my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
