i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
