so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He better not be in your backpack
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
