***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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