I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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