you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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