I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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