I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
