There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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