Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
