there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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