Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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