Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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