If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
