I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
