I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
