I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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