Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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