Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
