the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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