and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
