if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
