Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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