I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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