My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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