Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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