The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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