I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
