life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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