Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
