1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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