Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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