I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
