I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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