you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
