capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
