Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
