I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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