It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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