he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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