I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
