she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
