i permit you to call me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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