Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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