After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
whose parrot is this?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
