Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
