Got a toothbrush?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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