the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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