are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
