Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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