A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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