i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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