so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
