Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
vagina is talking i cant
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
