i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize