You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
