So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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